Innovative solutions 0, vampire squids 1

[This entry originally appeared on Clare Lynch’s blog, goodcopybadcopy]

Usually, I write about bad copy on this blog, but today I give you one of the best pieces of writing I’ve ever read.

If you’re interested in the goings-on on Wall Street (which is to say, if you’re interested in whether you’ll still have a job this time next year), you’ll know it:

“The first thing you need to know about Goldman Sachs is that it’s everywhere. The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.” – Matt Taibbi, “The Great American Bubble Machine”, Rolling Stone, July 2009

Brilliant, isn’t it? The urgency of “the first thing you need to know”, and its implication that this is just one of many things the author will reveal about his subject. That startling, unforgettable and now famous image of the vampire squid, which I’ve quoted numerous times at dinner parties and which is up there with chunks of Prufrock in my list of lines I could roll around my tongue all day. It’s an opening that screams “read on”.

Even better, Taibbi’s words have stung the bank that we all (even – or, rather, especially – other bankers) love to hate. Released this week, Goldman Sachs’ 2009 Annual Report included a letter to shareholders, in which Goldman defends itself against Taibbi’s accusation that the bank bet against its own clients.

The document reveals a Goldman Sachs that dances with the elderly, takes children to the zoo and “makes a meaningful contribution to the growth of businesses, local communities and the global economy” (is there any more meaningless adjective than that “meaningful”, which crops up 11 times in the document?).

A Goldman Sachs whose “client-focused”, “performance-driven” employees understand that “engagement furthers sustainability” (no, I’ve no idea what it means either, but it does sound vaguely like the sort of thing I’d find in a leaflet from my local Council – deliberately so, I’m sure).

Forget about the Goldman Sachs whose dodgy deal bankrupted Greece. This Goldman Sachs sprinkles its financial fairy dust on the needy of all nations. It’s a Goldman Sachs whose “innovative solutions” and “culture of commitment” have defended UK pensioners, built schools in California, lent a helping hand to the US’s troubled motor and aviation industries, and saved thousands of jobs in India. A Goldman Sachs that does what you might expect your government to do (did they not realise that when people call them Government Sachs that’s not, like, in a good way?).

The document tries to depict a non-vampiric Goldman Sachs whose “first priority” is serving clients. But 178 pages of defensive, corporate cliché-ridden prose later and I can still picture that blood funnel, still smell that money.

Copywriters, there’s a lesson there somewhere.