[This entry originally appeared on Clare Lynch’s blog, goodcopybadcopy]
I spotted the following text on a website that advertises projects being put out to tender for local businesses. Do let me know in the comments if you think you understand what the job actually entails.
I’ve cut and pasted it exactly as it appeared, though for your reading pleasure, I’ve annotated the most egregious bits.
About the Opportunity:
********** urgently require an associate(s) to deliver our ******* project as below. Once shortlisted you will be asked to provide an appropriate quote.
Goods/works/services we need to buy
AIMS OF THE PROJECT
The project will be delivering against the following activities:
******** is a brand new project where the Focus is on specialist environmental supportand and will bridge the gap between mainstream Business London Support programme and instrumental innovation programmes, [Instrumental innovation – yay, my favourite kind of innovation!] especially those emerging through the London Development Agency (LDA
[Now we’ve got off to a bad start here because random capitalisation, sloppy punctuation and a disregard for where words begin and end count as environmental pollution in my book.]
Start up, Micro – Small businesses (approx 50 employees)
The project will have a special focus on SMEs in Food, Creative, Technology and Environmental sectors.
The project builds upon existing services provided.[But we won’t tell you what those services are because that would make it too easy.] Supporting the development of business-led networks/networking to encourage collaboration and cross-sector innovation. [Still lovin’ all this innovation – especially now I know it’s “cross-sector innovation”]For Start up, Micro – Small businesses to work towards a sustainable greener business.SME must be over 12mths trading
Program is a process of business development with an environmental sustainable innovative approach. [Oh, I get it, for this bit you just wrote a load of buzzwords on separate pieces of paper, put them in a bag, shook it up and wrote them down in the order they came out. Nice work! Great that you got “innovative” in there, too – this project wasn’t sounding innovative enough to me before now.]
size / scale of our requirements
DELIVERY of OUTPUTS
51 – Provision of a minimum level of assistance of at least two days. [Two days’ work between now and summer 2011? Me likey the sound of that? Or is that two days x 51? I’m confused. Either way, though, I like the whole idea of providing a minimum level of assistance.]
5 – A first involvement between at least one SME and one knowledge base organisation, achieving the minimum level of assistance. [Hang on, I won’t even be expected to “provide” a minimum level of assistance – merely “achieve” it? Liking the fact that your expectations are so low. That might come in handy as I’ve no idea what a “knowledge base organisation” is. Or, for that matter, a “first involvement”.]
20 – SMEs disseminating and facilitating knowledge transfer, providing achieving the minimum level of assistance. [Oh, I get it, now you’re equivocating on me about the whole “minimum level of assistance” thing. C’mon, what’s it to be? Because I’m really not sure what “disseminating and facilitating knowledge transfer” involves either, and wouldn’t like to commit to anything beyond my skill-set (as you would surely call it)]
7 – SMEs referred directly to environmental business support partners to support environmental improvements.
5 – SMES actually undertaking environmental management opportunities.
9 – Jobs Created.
5 – Innovation related Jobs Created. [Hey, I want one of these Innovation related Jobs – they sound much cooler than what I’m doing now.]
1 – Number of Innovation Related projects [Ditto!]
17 – Jobs Safeguarded
1 – Number of businesses integrating new products/services
13 – Businesses with improved performance
We require quality standards / essential requirements as follows
EXPERIENCE / ESSENTIAL
• Must be SFEDI accredited Business Advisor
• Must be qualified to access / deliver Environmental advise. [But poor spelling we can live with.]
• Must can demonstrate track record of similar type delivery. [Must or can – which is it to be? Because, you know, we’re all a bit creative with our CVs, aren’t we? And do I get to choose what type of type I deliver? I like serif types best.]
• Must be able to meet tight deadlines
• Must be very proactive
• Must have access / contacts already within North London Environmental sector
• Must have access / deliver Environmental workshops in:
o Business Environmental Planning
o Financial Planning
o Innovative Environmental presentation [You’ve reverted to that bag with the bits of paper in it again, haven’t you? Good to know “innovative” is still in there though.]
o Knowledge base transfer and others [Can I get away with just accessing/delivering the “others” bit of this, please? Because, you know, as we’ve already established, I’m a bit lacking in the whole “knowledge base transfer” area.]
Completion Date: Summer 2011