[This entry originally appeared on Clare Lynch’s blog, goodcopybadcopy]
It’s always a good idea to get inside your clients’ heads, so I’ve taken 10 famous advertising slogans and translated them into bad corporatese. Can you work out the straplines the copywriter came up with after being sent these clunky first drafts by the guys from corporate?
I’ll send a copy of Strunk & White (or your preferred book of equivalent value) to the first person who sends me all the correct answers here.
1. Individuals who purchase our goods are advised to action their sporting deliverables at their earliest convenience and with the minimum of delay.
2. Our members cogitate upon the possibility of delivering environmental change across multiple geographies while simultaneously tasking themselves with key deliverables within the confines of their own immediate vicinity.
3. This product is the world’s most superior tool for delivering grooming solutions to all individuals of the masculine gender.
4. Financial efficiencies are delivered to our retail customers on an incremental basis, thus assisting them in their efforts to facilitate the maintenance of their household’s budgetary rigour.
5. This hop-based beverage has corporeal rejuvenating capabilities that are greatly in excess of those possessed by our competitor brands.
6. There is the possibility for all those engaged in this twice-weekly national wagering activity to achieve outstanding returns on their initial speculative outlay and thus fulfil their utmost aspirations.
7. All those who participate in the consumption of our confectionary foodstuff on a daily basis will receive assistance in all aspects of their labour activities, relaxation efforts, and recreational pursuits.
8. Unless one is fully apprised of our journalistic output, one is not positioned to deliver an informed perspective on the pertinence of all matters relating to business, politics and the economy.
9. Individuals in search of information regarding the telephone numerals relating to key business contacts are encouraged to permit their digital extremities to engage in ambulatory activities, thus eliminating the need for extreme effort exertion and ensuring the saving of time.
10. There is an expectation on our behalf of positivity going forward. Furthermore, it is our strategy and objective that all points in time from this moment onwards are deemed to: be situated between red and yellow in the visible spectrum; have a wavelength of about 585 – 620 nm; and posses a hue of 30° in HSV colour space.